Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
