Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
