What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
