They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
