Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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