drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
