We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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