Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
