It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize