we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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