My balls are so social today.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
