It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
