He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
