I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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