I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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