So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
