im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
