I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize