My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
