I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
