I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
