She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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