Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
