walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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