I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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