I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
