I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
