i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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