I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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