I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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