somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
