I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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