I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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