I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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