I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
