oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
