Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
