Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize