Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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