I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
