just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
