Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
