So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
