I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
