Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
