I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i came on her dog
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
jump out the window naked night went bad
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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