hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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