i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
