if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
