Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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