dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
