hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
