I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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