she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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